


Mourn

by estelraca



Category: GARO (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-17
Updated: 2013-02-17
Packaged: 2017-11-29 15:56:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/688765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/estelraca/pseuds/estelraca
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Rei had come to them sooner, maybe things would have worked out differently.  He did come to them, though, a sign of trust that Kouga and Kaoru try very hard to be worthy of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mourn

**Author's Note:**

> This was written before Makai Senki, so can be considered an AU from that. It mentions characters from Beast of the White Night and Red Requiem.

The ceremony is small.

That isn’t uncommon, not for Knights. Even well-known Knights were frequently mourned quietly, in the silence of their ally’s homes.

It’s more the incongruity of those who are absent and those who are present that causes murmurs that something is wrong.

Why is the priestess here? The one who was dead, the one who still finds herself fighting occasionally for her rightful place, why did she risk attending? She was not terribly fond of or familiar with the young man, from any accounts. Why go to the trouble of not only attending, but breaking the standard ceremony with a display of silver flames?

Why is the White Knight here? He has other duties to attend to, other places to guard, and he knew the man they honor only briefly. Could this Knight really have had such as impact in such a short time?

Why is Garo’s bearer not there? The Golden Knight is the one who was closest to the Silver Knight. Why does he not stand for his friend one final time?

Why?

That is the word that is whispered to the night as flames consume one more guardian.

It is a better word to follow him into the darkness than who, the standard question that comes after the loss of one so young and with no heir, but not by much.

***

“You didn’t come.”

Kaoru knows the voice. She hears it in her nightmares, sometimes. She hears it in her pleasant dreams, as well, but those aren’t the reason that her skin turns cold and her heart rate doubles any time the woman manages to come up behind her. “Normal people aren’t welcome there. Kouga had Gonza tell me.”

“I told you I’d take you.” Jabi comes up beside her, leans against the wooden rail that Kaoru is clutching with both hands. “Did you not think I’d keep you safe?”

“No.” Her hands are locked tight onto the wood, keeping her fingers from fidgeting too much. Her eyes, too, seem fixed in one place, locked on the blue of the ocean. It’s a safe color, blue is. She’ll have to leave before the sun gets too far towards the west, bringing unsafe colors, but for now the sea and sky are fine. “I’m sure you would have been the perfect bodyguard. But I didn’t want to… I didn’t…”

“You’re a long way from home.” Jabi leaps up onto the uneven wooden railing with an easy grace, walking along it as though it were a flat road. “A long way from Kouga.”

“Yes.” It takes too much effort to say even that simple word, so she stops trying. How could she explain why she’s here? How could she make this woman, this violent and beautiful and inhumanly graceful creature, understand?

“He’ll need you.” Resting on her heels, her face not ten centimeters from Kaoru’s, Jabi demands the other woman’s full attention. “You know that.”

“He told me to go.” She spits the statement into the other woman’s face, earning a brief startled look that leaves her feeling far too vindicated. “I’m doing what he wants. Besides, why should it matter what Kouga wants or needs? What about what I need? What about—?”

“What do you need, Kaoru of the kindest brush?” Sliding off the railing, Jabi takes up her position again at Kaoru’s side. “I know Kouga. I know how he reacts to things… like this. I’ve seen him grieve, and hurt, and grow, before. Tell me how to help you, Kaoru, and I will.”

There is real compassion in the priest’s words, and her hand falls feather-light on Kaoru’s shoulder.

She doesn’t mean to lean into the touch. But there are so few people who know her, truly know her and all that she has seen, and she is sick to death of trying to be all right when she really isn’t. Tears trail down her face, and her voice is too high, the child’s voice that kept asking her father why mother wasn’t getting better. “I need…”

***

“Rei! I need you to stop, Rei.” Her hands are too small, too weak next to the thrashing, terrible energy of the Makai Knight, but Kaoru tries anyway. He’s hurting himself, blood dripping from his ankles and wrists as he fights against the bonds, and she can’t stand it any longer. “Rei, please. You’re hurting—ow!”

He hadn’t meant to. She’s certain of that, even as she backs away, reaching up to her cheek that already feels far too swollen.

“Kaoru?” He’s quiet, at least, for a few moments, his fever-bright eyes searching for and eventually locking on her face. “Kaoru, I’m sorry… I didn’t…”

“It’s all right.” It’s not. Nothing about this is all right, but she smiles anyway, lips trembling only slightly, and sits again on the edge of the bed. The water in the bowl is cold, ice cubes floating in it, but the cloth she sets against Rei’s forehead feels too warm within moments. “You just can’t struggle so much, Rei. You’re hurting yourself.”

“Heh.” Rei smiles, his cat-grin that says everything’s all right, and she wants to touch his mouth, his cheeks, tell him he doesn’t have to, but she can’t. “Sorry. It’s hard… hard to think. Hard to stay focused. Don’t have much time left. Where’s Kouga?”

Gone. Hunting monsters, trying to find the magic that will undo the curse, and it’s why she can’t hate him for not being at her side during this. “He’ll be here soon. Remember? We’re going to make it better, Rei. I promise.”

“Damn it.” Rei laughs, the sound too bright, half-hysterical, and his hands tighten on the silver bonds that wrap around his wrists and keep him from doing anything too awful. “He left? The bastard left me? With you? Kaoru…”

He howls, the sound utterly heartbreaking in its humanity, and fights again, but Kouga’s tied him down too well. He can’t get away. All he can do is hurt himself, just a little bit, but even that much blood is more than Kaoru wants to see.

Sprawling across him isn’t what she meant to do. She’s not quite sure how it happens, even. She just needs to make him stop, and directly above his stomach and chest is the only place that some flailing piece of Rei’s body can’t reach. “Rei, stop it! Right now! Stop it!”

He does, again, and she catches her breath in a moment of utter relief and wonder. It’s amazing, that he still listens to her. That he can still obey her, when it’s clear that he’s so far gone.

Fire runs in veins of old, blood seeps out, a warrior’s gold…

She mustn’t think about that. Mustn’t repeat the awful, sing-song rhymes that Rei hummed to himself for hours yesterday, when there was still more of Rei and less of the awful sickness, because thinking about it doesn’t do any good.

“Hush, Rei.” She can reach the bedside table if she leans just right, and she dips the cloth in again, fighting a sense of bitter futility. His whole body’s just so damn hot, a damp furnace beneath her, and there’s nothing she can do about it. “Kouga’s going to be back soon. You just have to stay with me until then. All right?”

“Can’t, Kaoru.” Why does he smile even when he’s saying awful things? At least he has the decency to add a hint of sorrow to the expression, this time. “Sorry.”

“You can. You are. You’re doing fine right now.” The washcloth is already as hot as his body, and she tries not to shake any harder than she already is as she dips it in the cool water again. “Just keep talking to me.”

“He shouldn’t have left you with me.” His eyes are fixed on her face, too fixated, not blinking, and she finds herself looking away instinctively. “He shouldn’t be… I don’t… why do you love him, Kaoru?”

“I don’t… I mean…”

“Then kiss me.” His grin is wild, all the muscles in his arms tight as he pulls on the bonds that bind him in place. “If you don’t love him, kiss me.”

“Rei…” She can’t. Not because he’s not beautiful, body and battered soul, and not because she’s talked with Kouga about anything. But it would be betrayal and lie to kiss him, like this, so vulnerable, while they both wait for Kouga. “He’s always been there for me. He’s saved my life and my soul multiple times. He’s… kind. He’s—”

“Told you.” He laughs again, cat-grinning and almost like the man that she has grown to trust over the years. “Knew you loved him. Remember that, okay? Remember that. You look good, you know. Princess and knight. The beautiful princess, the kind princess, and the friggin’ miraculous Golden Knight, and…”

Whatever else he was going to say, whatever other wounds he was going to carve into both their souls, is lost in a scream of agony and another battle with the silver cords. Soul-metal, bound to Kouga’s will, and there’s nothing that Rei can do against them but carve layers of skin off his own body.

Mind and soul all torn asunder, Horrors birth from Knight’s bright wonder…

There’s no point in the stupid washcloth, so she takes the whole bowl of ice water and tips it over his chest, his abdomen, guards his eyes while wetting his hair, his arms. His howls of agony change to a sputtering laugh, and he grins up at her, shivers beneath her.

“That feels… good, Kaoru.” His arms and legs lie still, finally, for at least a little bit. “Don’t think it’s going to work for long, but it feels good. Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome.” She shivers, reaching down to touch his cheek, just briefly. “You’re going to be fine, Rei. With Kouga and me taking care of you, everything’s going to turn out all right. You have to know that.”

“I know you’re kind.” He tilts his head, presses his lips gently against her palm.

A knight’s chaste kiss for a princess, and she remembers the way he always bowed to her when they met. Bows. The way he bows to her, ever since they defeated Barago. The man who once threatened to rape her, the sad Knight in silver armor—

“You’re kind, and you’ve made Kouga kind.” There’s a soft distance to his gaze, and his thumb rubs against his finger, a gesture reminiscent of those few gentle times he’s touched her face. “Made him kind without making him weak. Made him stronger. Made the Makai people kinder and stronger through him. I’m sorry, Kaoru. I shouldn’t have come—”

“No.” She lays her fingers across his mouth. “You should have. We want you to come if you need help, Rei. You’re our friend. Zaruba, remember? So don’t talk like that. Everything’s going to be all right.”

“Ah.” His lips purse, just slightly, a soft kiss for her finger. “It will be. You will be. And because you will be, he will be. I just… don’t want to lose myself, Kaoru. I don’t… he won’t let me become a monster. I could trust him for that. Your gift to me. That I can trust you, and him, and not hate myself and our people quite so much.”

He’s burning hot beneath her again, the water that she drenched him in no longer cold at all. He shifts, just slightly, and wraps his hands around the silver bonds again.

More ice, then. More water and more ice, and she’ll keep dumping it over him for as long as it seems to help, and eventually Kouga will be back with whatever magic fruit or blade or whatever-the-hell he was hunting that will fix this.

He whimpers when she climbs off the bed, eyes following her every movement, hands reaching toward her despite the bonds. It makes her breathing short, sorrow and anger and horror and love, not like for Kouga but so real nonetheless, choking her throat.

“I’ll be back in a minute, Rei.” Her voice doesn’t shake, and her hands are almost steady as she picks up the bowl. “We’ll keep that fever down.”

“I’m sorry.” He licks his lips, a brief flicker of red. Only the red doesn’t fade, is blood oozing slowly from the skin there, and those aren’t tears gathering at the corners of his eyes, or maybe they are but they also have blood in them. “Should’ve… come sooner… wish… different… I…”

He stops, just for a moment, drawing a deep breath and squeezing his eyes shut. The tears of blood roll slowly down his face, trails of red along too-pale skin.

“I love you, Kaoru. And I love Kouga, and I’m sorry I have to do this to him. But please… don’t let me lose my soul. Please. Please. Kouga, please…”

He screams, sounds of agony and bitter terror ripped from the depths of his soul.

She screams louder, Kouga’s name over and over, because she doesn’t know what else to do.

***

The blades slip quietly through the darkness, just a soft whisper of air as they careen toward him. Kouga reacts smoothly, on instinct, his sword striking once, twice, three times, and then it’s time to step to the side and meet the next one.

One, two, three, four, step to the right and wait for the next blade.

Only it doesn’t come. Instead of his practice axe, he finds himself staring dumbly at Tsubasa’s grim face.

“You didn’t come.” Tsubasa’s spear intercepts the other two axes, stopping them cold.

Kouga doesn’t answer, sheathing his sword and brushing past the other Knight.

“Saejima Kouga!” Tsubasa’s voice is a low growl. “Don’t ignore me, Garo.”

“I didn’t invite you here.” Stepping out into the hallway, he scans for Gonza. “I’d prefer you leave.”

“You owed it to Suzumura to be there.”

Kouga stands still, perfectly still, trying to keep his mind as quiet as his body. “The dead don’t need anything from the living. I thought most Knights learned that by your age.”

“Damn it, Kouga. Don’t walk away from me. Don’t walk away from us. I want—” Tsubasa’s hand drops onto his shoulder, a sudden harsh pressure.

He does it deliberately. Twisting away from Tsubasa’s grasp, he drives his elbow back into Tsubasa’s face. Baiting the other Knight, taking the gesture of comfort and turning it into the start of a duel, but there’s nothing Tsubasa can do about it.

It gives him back control of the situation, control of his house and his immediate surroundings, and he doesn’t stop until Tsubasa’s spear grazes his cheek.

The White Knight is breathing hard, eyes fixed on his weapon and the shimmering drop of blood sliding down the tip.

“Leave, Tsubasa.” Kouga straightens as he says it, ignoring the stinging ache in his cheek. “Before I draw my sword.”

“You won’t.” Tsubasa also rises from his fighting crouch. Setting his spear gently against the wall, he takes two deliberate steps away from it. “And not just because I think your sword’s tasted enough Makai Knight blood these last few days. You won’t injure me, Kouga. It’s not the type of man you are. And I’m not leaving until I’m sure you’re…”

“Until you’re sure I’m what?” His voice is low, gruff, and he scowls at the other Knight. “Fine? Fixed? Grieving properly? Not going to do something the Senate won’t like?”

“Until I’m sure you don’t need me here anymore.” Tsubasa sighs, suddenly looking terribly young and lonely and sad.

Looking like Rei did, those few times he wasn’t laughing, and it takes all of Kouga’s will not to step back. “I don’t need you here. Not now.”

“You know that Jabi and I responded as quickly as we could.” There’s a note of pleading in Tsubasa’s voice that hadn’t been there before. A wish to be forgiven, a desire for absolution, though he’s done nothing, committed no sin that he needs to be absolved of. “Rekka, as well. If we had known… if we could have done anything to stop this…”

“Knights die.” His father, Rei’s father, Rekka’s father, and all their fathers before them. It was how things went. “You’re not at fault, Tsubasa.”

“You’re not either, Kouga. You did everything you could—more than most friends would have tried to do.” Tsubasa holds his hands at his sides, a symbol of helplessness, of submission. “If he had come to the Senate earlier—if he had come to you earlier—”

His sword springs to his hand almost of its own accord. He is complicit in setting the edge against Tsubasa’s throat, though. “Do not. In my presence you will not blame him for what happened. If there is a lack of trust between Knights and Priests and the Senate, it was not built by his actions or inaction. He was merely a victim of it.”

Tsubasa stays silent, ignoring the blade at his throat, eyes fixed on Kouga’s face.

After a long moment Kouga sighs. Slipping his sword into its sheath, he turns his back on the other Knight.

“Kouga.” Tsubasa doesn’t touch him. Not this time. “Please. How can I help? What is it that you want from me?”

Want? Turning back to Tsubasa, he stares at the other man. What kind of question is that to ask? “I want…”

***

He wants to catch Rei before he collapses, but the other Knight manages to both simultaneously reach out for him and back away from him.

At least Rei doesn’t fall all the way, ending up on his knees, panting breaths shaking his frame more than they should. “Kouga…”

He scans the street behind Rei, holding Zaruba up to have him do the same. Only when Zaruba grunts out a negative does he lean down by the other Knight and haul him to his feet. “Come on.”

Rei doesn’t fight him. Rei doesn’t help him much, either, barely managing to slide one foot in front of the other, but at least he’s strong enough to do that.

“Gonza!” The man appears within seconds of their entering the house. He sees Rei and freezes, just briefly. “First aid kit. Now.”

Gonza nods, expression fiercely professional again, and disappears back into the house.

Kaoru appears a moment later, hands flying up to cover her mouth. “Rei! Kouga, what happened?”

“I don’t know. He hasn’t said yet.” Kouga hasn’t asked yet, merely confirming with Rei that there was no immediate danger before getting them to safety.

“Hello, Princess.” The Silver Knight straightens, just slightly, enough to give Kaoru a brief grin and a half-bow before leaning against Kouga again. “Apologies about barging in like this. I just… don’t quite think I’m able to handle this on my own anymore.”

Settling Rei down in one of the more comfortable chairs, Kouga kneels down next to the man. “Where were you hurt? What with?”

“Left shoulder. Stabbed with a Blade of Bitter Iniquity.” Rei’s right hand goes to his left shoulder, settling softly against the wound. “Twenty-five days ago, Kouga.”

There’s a sharp clatter from the room’s entrance, and both Kouga and Rei turn toward it immediately.

“Sorry, sorry.” Gonza kneels down, gathering up the scattered first aid supplies.

It buys Kouga a moment, gives him time to not look at Rei as he processes what the other Knight has said.

“What’s that?” Kaoru’s hands are balled into fists at her sides, her face taut with worry and fear. “What does that mean?”

“Beware the blade, by horrors made, that steals bright light, brings bitter night.” Tilting his head back, Rei smiles at Kaoru as he sings the old song. “It’s a weapon. A very rare, very old weapon that the Horrors use against Knights.”

“Twenty-five days, Rei?” Kouga confirms the number, turning back to the Silver Knight. His face is never quick to betray his emotions, and he’s grateful for that right now.

“Yeah.” Rei’s grin is sheepish as he shrugs. “I thought I could handle it.”

Kouga doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t look at the other Knight’s face, studying his own hands, trying to think of the best course of action. Strange, how things could go from fine to so utterly wrong in just a few short sentences. “What have you tried?”

“Madou fire to clean the wound. A Reverter twice, which just succeeded in making me violently ill for about two hours both times.” Rei shrugs, but the smile has nearly faded from his face. “Getting the damn dagger from the Horrors. He melted it in front of me. Bastard. So I sealed them all.”

“So it’s gone.” A bad thing, in one sense, because having the Blade was the only known way of eliminating the curse; on the other hand… “It’s not something I need to warn the other Knights about.”

“No.” Sighing, Rei offers him another brief grin. “I’m not inept enough that I’d leave something like that floating around. One of us in this predicament is more than enough.”

“You should have gone to the Senate.” Standing, he glares down at the other Knight. “You should have come here sooner.”

“I’m here now.” Rei snaps the response, and the smile is gone from his face. Replaced by something Kouga doesn’t like, something between fear and desperation, and Rei stands slowly, trembling. “Though I can leave.”

“Zero…” Silva speaks quietly, the words slower than usual, but it immediately arrests all of Rei’s attention. “Stay here. Ask for his help.”

“I don’t need his help. I don’t need to stay here.” Rei cradles his left hand in his right, attention focused on Silva. “We’ll be all right, Silva.”

“There’s no reason to run. We’re here, Zero.” Each word is quieter, more forceful than the last, as though Silva fights a losing battle. “Give them a chance to help.”

“I don’t… there’s not really a need…” Swaying on his feet, Rei gives his head a brief shake and straightens. “It’s what you think I should do, Silva?”

There’s a long pause, and Rei’s hands are shaking, something almost akin to panic spreading across his face. Finally the madougu sighs, a deep-seated sound of exhaustion. “Yes, Rei.”

“She’s right.” Kouga speaks as gently as he can, reaching out slowly to place his hand on the other Knight’s shoulder. He should have seen how close to the edge Rei was before this. He should have been more cautious in his word choice. “You should stay, Rei.”

“Silva…” Rei holds his left hand out toward Kouga, still cupped in his right, cradling the Madougu. “She won’t talk to me like she should, Kouga. She doesn’t… I don’t…”

He catches Rei this time, the younger Knight collapsing into his arms. All of Rei’s muscles twitch, just slightly, and there’s too much heat coming off his body already.

Twenty-five days.

Too long. Far too long.

Kaoru follows him down the stairs, watches with frightened eyes as he arranges Rei’s prone body on the bed. Arms out to the side, legs stretched out, and he’s gentle as pulls off the man’s black trench coat. Gentle as he pries Silva free from Rei’s chosen place on his glove. Gentle as he removes the knight’s boots, and socks, and twin swords.

Gentle as he smoothes Rei’s hair off his face and ensures that the man’s head is lying comfortably on the pillow, because what he’s going to do next isn’t gentle at all.

Gonza wheels in the boxes. They’re small, four boxes in two stacks of two, and Kouga is impressed with the man’s memory and efficiency. He’s never had to use the bonds before. He doesn’t know if his father ever did.

He knows how to use them, though. Soul metal, bound to Garo’s user, and the silver lines flow slick and easy through his hands.

It doesn’t take as long as it feels like it should to tie Rei down. Under a minute, probably, the pattern of knots long embedded in his muscle memory. Rei doesn’t stir at all beyond the twitching muscle spasms that betray his weakness.

“How far gone is he, Zaruba?” Holding his own Madougu over the other knight, Kouga waits in grim silence for the reply.

“It’s pretty bad, Kouga.” Zaruba’s voice is softer, grimmer than usual. “He doesn’t feel like a Horror yet, but he’s not really a Knight anymore, either. It’s got to have been days since he could call Zero to him, especially if Silva doesn’t recognize him as its rightful bearer anymore.”

“Kouga.” Kaoru’s fingers manage to slip into his clenched fist. “Tell me what’s happening. Please.”

“He’s dying.” Her hand clenches hard against his, and he tears his eyes from Rei’s prone form to her terror-filled features. “The weapon he was stabbed with is very rare and very powerful. It tears a Makai Knight or Priest’s soul apart, leaving a Horror behind when it’s done.”

“No.” Shaking her head, Kaoru takes a step toward Rei, pulled up sharply when Kouga doesn’t let go of her hand. “We can’t let that happen, Kouga. Not to Rei. What do we do?”

That was a good question. “How much time do we have, Zaruba?”

“Mmm. Two days.” The skull’s teeth snap together with a sharp click. “Three at the most. One if he stops fighting for some reason.”

“He wouldn’t do that.” Kaoru glares at Zaruba, as though the news he relayed was somehow his fault. “Not Rei.”

“Probably not. He’s a stubborn strong bastard to still be walking around—to manage to get himself here. After all, part of the process of shredding a Knight’s soul to birth a Horror is increasing the influence their Inga has over them. Pride, vanity, distrust, they’re all heightened from the moment you’re cut.” Zaruba pauses. “He must trust us a great deal, Kouga.”

“Ah.” Squeezing Kaoru’s hand briefly before letting it go, Kouga nods. “We’ll have to be worthy of that trust.”

***

Kaoru cries.

She can’t seem to help it or make it stop. It frightens her, at first, but then Jabi’s arms are around her, and that somehow makes it all right. So she clings to the priest and cries, the agony of the last four days given voice, until there are no tears left. Her eyes feel puffy, her face blotchy and hot, and she’s certain she will never get the taste of salt out of her mouth, but it was worth it. Somewhere in the tears she broke shackles on her mind and heart that she hadn’t even realized were present, and she feels more like herself than she has since Kouga ki—… since Rei di—…

Why is it so hard to contemplate still, even in her own mind?

“Thank you, Jabi.” Kaoru sniffles, coughing to clear her throat, and pulls away from the woman. “I’m sorry. I’m sure you have better things to do than sit here with me.”

“No.” Jabi smiles, the expression softening her features. She really is quite a beautiful woman, and Kaoru finds her fingers itching for a pencil and sketchpad.

It’s a nice feeling, something she hasn’t felt since… it happened. Something she was afraid she would never want to do again, because then the images that seared themselves into her mind at that time might leak out, and she doesn’t want to force them on anyone else.

“Here is where I want to be, Kaoru.” Jabi’s hand touches her cheek, just for the briefest of comforting caresses. “I have a deep respect for you, you know.”

“Really?” She sniffles again. “You don’t think I’m pathetic?”

Kaoru blushes fiercely as soon as the question is out of her mouth. Of course Jabi thinks she’s pathetic, though she’ll be kind enough not to say it. Which of the Makai Knights or Priests wouldn’t find her pathetic? Their world is one of fighting and Horrors, and though she’s lived of the edge of it for long years, she’s never really understood it.

Never will understand it, now that Kouga’s told her to leave, and perhaps that’s for the best. Not being able to use any colors from crimson to maroon is going to make her work as an artist hard enough. If she stays with them, who knows what other colors they’ll steal from her, make into the stuff of nightmares?

“You aren’t.” Jabi’s fingers slip beneath her chin, force Kaoru’s head up. “You are many things, Kaoru, but you aren’t pathetic. Not at all. Kouga doesn’t love pathetic people. Save them, yes, because he sees it as his job, but he doesn’t love them. And I can promise you that he loves you very much.”

Kaoru doesn’t say anything, hands twining into the folds of her skirt.

After a moment Jabi smiles, her fingers sliding away from Kaoru’s face, and turns her face toward the sea. “Do you know what I did when Amon-sensei died?”

Trying not to sniffle again, Kaoru smiles at the other woman. “Stole the Horror blades he had so they wouldn’t fall into Barago’s hands?”

“Ah. Well, yes. I did that. And then I found somewhere safe and cried for over an hour, because my mentor, my friend, a man I loved dearly, was dead, and there had been nothing I could do to stop it or make it right.” Jabi’s eyes close, and the woman takes a deep breath of the salty air. “There’s no shame in tears, Kaoru. It’s what you do after crying that determines what kind of person you are.”

“I don’t know what to do.” She whispers the admonition, eyes dropping to study her hands in her lap.

“Don’t you?” Expression grave, Jabi turns to her.

“I can’t.” Whispering the words to her own clasped hands, Kaoru shakes her head. “Not after… He told me to leave. He told me not to come back, ever.”

“And you intend to listen to him?” Jabi’s tone is neutral, questioning without judging, asking that she make the decision for herself.

“I can’t go back, Jabi.” Kaoru raises her head, meeting the other woman’s gaze. “I did everything wrong, and I hurt him, and every time I see him I’m going to think of what happened, and…”

“So the thing you’ve chosen to do is run away?” There’s still no judgment. “If you truly wish to free yourself from our world, Kaoru, I will let you do that. I will help you with it, even. Better a clean break now than watching all that you are and all that we’ve grown to love wither away. Just be sure it’s what you want.”

“I want…”

What is it that she wants, other than for none of this to have ever happened? For this to be a dream, a nightmare?

For Rei to come up behind her and laugh, smile, say it was all some horrible, ill-thought joke?

For Kouga to look at her the way he used to, so subtly gentle, so calmly caring, and not with that gruff warrior’s mask that she once thought was his real face?

“I want…”

***

She wants not to see it.

She wants to erase the last four minutes from her memory, blot them out, but they are all-consuming.

“No.” The whispered word falls from her mouth as she moves her hands away. It is better than screaming, maybe, but not by much. “No. Rei…”

Kouga rises slowly to his full height. In a single smooth move he pulls his sword free from Rei’s body, wiping the blood off on a clean edge of the bedsheet. So bright, the scarlet against the silver, so different from the rich mixture of crimson, venetian, sangria, the burgundy clots that are forming around Rei’s body.

“No! Murderer!” She shoves Kouga, hard, placing herself between Rei and the Golden Knight. “How could… we promised him… we promised him…”

She’s half-hysterical and she knows it, knows somewhere in her mind that this is wrong, this won’t help anything, but she can’t stop.

She promised him.

Sat with him for so long, for hours that felt like days, and promised him, and now…

Now…

Kouga’s face is grim, a blank mass, the killer that she first saw. “Leave.”

“What? No! I won’t—”

He grabs her arm, forceful, demanding, and she screams because it hurts.

Kouga’s hurting her.

On top of everything else, it’s too much to take.

She fights him for all she’s worth, kicking, biting, but it seems to make no difference. It’s really not a fair fight, because he’s taller than her, broader than her, stronger than her, and covered in enough layers of leather that short of stealing his sword there’s no possible way her blows could even register.

Gonza is there, for the last minute of their journey to the front door, but she’s so wrapped up in Kouga’s blank expression and bruising hold on her arm that she can’t even make out what he’s saying.

Throwing open the front door, Kouga shoves her through. She stumbles, off-balance, and moves her hand up to cover the aching spot where he gripped her arm.

“You will leave.” Kouga pronounces each word carefully. “You will not come back. You will forget that this place—this world—exists. Understood?”

“Kouga…” She can’t bring herself to reach out to him, not with the marks of his fingers still stinging on her skin, but her voice holds all of her confusion, her sorrow, her fear.

“The world of the Makai Knights was never meant for someone like you, Kaoru.” His face softens, just slightly, before changing again to the warrior’s glare. “Go live a human life and be happy.”

He slams the door behind him as he goes back inside, a heavy crash signifying the end of an era, the conclusion of a life.

Gonza stares at the door for a long moment, one hand raised as though to call Kouga back. The confusion that had been on his face before is gone, replaced by bitter, sad acceptance and understanding. How long did one have to live in a Makai household before these things became comprehensible? Before one could draw from the silence the understanding of a friend murdered, a promise betrayed?

“Kaoru-sama.” Turning from the door to her, his expression changes from sad acceptance to alarmed concern. “Are you hurt? Let me see—”

She backs away as he walks toward her, shaking her head slowly. “No.”

“Kaoru-sama.” He stops, fear joining the concern in his expression. “You know that Kouga-sama didn’t mean what he said. I am truly sorry if you saw something horrible, Kaoru-sama, but if you just come back inside—”

She turns and runs, ignoring the old man’s footsteps behind her, his pleas for her to stop.

Kouga told her to leave.

Rei’s dead.

There’s no reason for her to stay in the nightmare any longer.

***

“You don’t need to punish yourself, Kouga.” Tsubasa speaks gently, as though to someone fragile and breakable.

“I’m not.” He’s been trying to ignore the other Knight, since Tsubasa seems determined to stay with him for an undisclosed period of time, but even his patience has limits.

The lights are up at full in his practice room, and Tsubasa sits against the wall while Kouga works, spear close at hand. Kouga has considered asking him to spar, putting the knight to good use if he must be present, but he’s not masochistic enough to put himself through that yet.

He practiced by himself for years, ever since his father died, and Rei has—had—been his only semi-consistent sparring partner since then.

“All right. Fine.” Tsubasa sounds defeated, looks half-exhausted, and his eyes keep darting toward the door. “You are perfectly fine and don’t want anything from anyone.”

“That’s right.” It’s easy to get lost in the movements, honed since he was old enough to comprehend what a sword was.

Long before he could truly understand what it meant, having the power of life and death in your hands.

Tsubasa glances toward the door again.

“You could leave, you know.” Kouga has given up on making it a command. The other Knight seems impervious to them. “I’m sure Rin misses her brother.”

“Rin will kill me if I go home before we get this worked out.” Sorrow flits across the young man’s face. “I’ve learned to listen to Rin when she says something’s important and needs to be done.”

“Rin sent you here?” A single stroke breaks the pattern of the blades, and he strides over to the other Knight. “You didn’t say that before. Why did she send you? What did she say?”

Tsubasa scrambles to his feet, looking mildly alarmed. “She didn’t say much. That I had to come see you and make sure you didn’t do something you’d regret. She was very forceful about it, though.”

“That was it?” He tries not to let his disappointment show. “She didn’t say anything else?”

“No.” Frowning in bewilderment, Tsubasa shakes his head. “What did you expect?”

What did he expect, indeed? Why should he think the girl who spoke with the dead once would do so again?

Why should he think the dead would want to speak with him?

“Kouga…” Tsubasa’s hand settles gently on his shoulder. “What is it that you need, Kouga?”

“I need…”

***

He needs to take care of everything.

It’s the thought he’s kept in the forefront of his mind for the last forty-eight hours. It’s what allowed him to leave Kaoru and Gonza with Rei despite the danger. It’s what drove him to go off on the quest on his own, without Jabi or any of the others he had sent word to, because there wasn’t time.

It’s the thought that let him assess the situation when he came home, empty-handed, and do the only thing that he possibly could do.

Rei’s smiling.

It’s not uncommon for the dead to smile, supposedly, though he doesn’t see it very much as a Knight. Smiling took less energy than any other facial expression. He remembers someone telling him that, once. Probably Jabi, teasing him about his own expressions, but he doesn’t doubt the truth of the statement.

It’s a good expression for Rei to have.

He doesn’t know how much of the Knight’s cheerfulness was an act and how much was true. Most of it was truth, he hopes, at least in recent times.

“Did I make it in time, Zaruba?” His own voice sounds foreign to his ears, too low and hoarse.

“He died human.” Zaruba frowns down at the body. “You saved his soul, Kouga. It’s all anyone could ask of you.”

He doesn’t answer. There’s no point in answering, and there are still things he needs to take care of.

He fills the bowl on the ground with water from the sink in the bathroom. The washcloth that Gonza—and Kaoru, but he doesn’t want to think of that—were using is soaked in blood, so he fetches a new one.

Gonza comes in while he’s in the process of washing Rei’s face. The knight looks better, without the blood on his mouth, around his eyes. Almost peaceful, which is something few Knights ever had the pleasure of being. “Could you find a sheet, Gonza? Preferably black. Dark red if we don’t have that.”

“As you wish, Kouga-sama.” There’s a cold distance to Gonza’s voice that wasn’t there before.

Kouga pretends he doesn’t notice, ignoring the old man until he goes to find what’s needed.

He releases Rei from the silver bonds, cleaning the younger man’s wrists and ankles. It will be a nigh-impossible task to clean the wound in his chest, so Kouga leaves it alone. There’s an easier way to hide the evidence of that, anyway.

Gonza is back, spreading a black sheet out on the ground. When he’s done Kouga nods toward Rei’s black trench coat, hung carefully from a coat rack in the corner of the room. Lifting the body out of the pool of blood, he positions him so that Gonza can slip the coat onto the young man, one arm and then the other. The blood that stains Kouga’s white coat will be cleaned out later, by Gonza. The old man’s gotten very good at it during his time working for their family.

Carefully arranging Rei’s body in the center of the black sheet, he wraps the fallen Knight up gently.

“Kouga-sama.” The cold distance is gone from Gonza’s voice, replaced by deep sorrow and acceptance. “Where did you want to take him?”

“To the Senate.” Lifting the body is far too easy. Easy and yet difficult in its own right, pure physical strength needed to hold it up, where his swords require spiritual energy. “They need to know what happened.”

“And afterward?” Gonza stands slowly, as though every joint in his body ached. “Shall I arrange for a grave by your father? Or by his father?”

“He was cursed when he died, Gonza.” His arms tighten around their burden, holding him close. “They’ll burn his body during the funeral, making sure it’s properly purified.”

“Of course.” Inclining his head, Gonza turns away. “I will prepare dinner for you when you return.”

Kouga doesn’t reply, just as he doesn’t mention the tears that he saw on Gonza’s face before his old friend turned away.

Striding to the door, he carefully eases his awkward burden through. Gonza slips ahead of him after that, opening doors, making the passage easier until they’re just outside the front door. “Leave Zero’s swords where they are. We’ll give them to his successor once one is chosen.”

Gonza nods again, waiting patiently while Zaruba places a simple shield around Kouga to keep them from being conspicuous. Kouga doesn’t think any of them would do well dealing with human police right now.

As he strides toward the street, Kouga doesn’t make a point of looking for Kaoru, but it’s impossible not to notice that she’s gone.

***

“It wasn’t your fault, Kouga.” Tsubasa speaks earnestly, taut energy behind every word. “You did what you had to do. What any friend would have done.”

“I let him suffer for almost two days, then came back and stuck my sword through his chest.” He swallows hard, refusing to let his mind dwell on the feel of his blade slipping through helpless flesh. “I could have spared him that suffering. It’s what a real friend would have done.”

“You’ve done the impossible before, Kouga. You saved a human who was bathed in Horror blood. You returned Jabi to the living. You defeated Messiah and Karma.” Tsubasa’s fingers dig into Kouga’s shoulder, his hand tensing with each feat. “It wasn’t out of the question that you would do the impossible again.”

“Go home, Tsubasa.” Taking a step back, Kouga shakes off the other Knight’s hand. “You’re needed in Kantai.”

The corners of Tsubasa’s mouth turn down, entire face settling into a determined scowl. “No.”

Kouga stares at the White Knight, at a loss for what to do. He doesn’t want to fight with Tsubasa. Not now. Yet if the man won’t listen to reason…

The door to the practice room opens, and Kouga turns toward it gratefully. Perhaps Gonza will be able to talk some sense into—

“I just love seeing that expression on your face, Kouga.” Jabi smiles brightly as she walks toward him. “So confused, and yet so determined.”

He doesn’t respond to Jabi, all of his attention focused on the woman behind her.

Kaoru looks up at him, tense, uncertain, keeping just a half-step behind Jabi at all times.

Afraid of him, wary of him, and that hurts more than he thought it possibly could.

Turning away from all of them, Kouga draws a deep breath. Perhaps changing houses is the best option he has left.

“Kouga…” Kaoru’s voice is quiet, drifting away to nothing. “I’m sorry.”

It wasn’t what he was expecting, and he half-turns toward her before deciding that isn’t what he wants to do. “Sorry? For what?”

“For what I said. For the way I reacted. It was just so horrible, and I should have been ready but I wasn’t prepared for it, and I’m sorry.” Her words trip over each other, but there is as much anger as regret in them. “I’m sorry that I was frightened by what I’d seen. I’m sorry I was scared when you hurt me. I’m sorry that you’ve had an awful, miserable, lonely life since your father died and thus don’t know how to grieve like a normal human being. I’m sorry that I can’t take watching the man I love murder our best friend calmly. And if you don’t turn around and talk to me, you’re going to be very sorry.”

“Kaoru.” Turning to her, he tries to decide whether he wants to smile or cry. Strange, how often she manages to make him feel this way. “I hurt you?”

“Yes.” She looks away, pulling up her shirt sleeve to reveal bruises that do indeed look like the marks of fingers.

“I’m sorry.” Any urge to smile at her diatribe is wiped out by those marks, and he reaches toward them before willing his hand to stop. “I didn’t mean to.”

“I know.” Kaoru offers him a slight smile, though her eyes are too bright. Tear-filled, sorrow-filled, and he doesn’t want to see her cry. “You hurt me. I know that you didn’t mean to.”

He hadn’t been thinking when he grabbed her. All he’d wanted to do was deal with the situation, get her away from their world that was killing her soul. The strength needed to stab through a man’s heart was very different from the strength needed to pull a woman to safety, though. “I am sorry. But what I said before still holds. You need to leave.”

“No.” Raising her chin defiantly, she somehow manages to stare down at him. “This is my world, too. I might not be able to kill Horrors, but I’ve earned my place here, Kouga. Sitting with Rei that night should have shown you that, if nothing else did.”

“I never doubted your strength.” That’s not quite true, and he frowns. “I haven’t doubted your strength for a long time. The will that it took to survive being bathed in Horror blood… your strength when you were used as the Gate… I know what you’re capable of, Kaoru. I didn’t tell you to leave because I think you’re weak.”

“Don’t you?” She continues to glare at him, and her eyes are red from crying. “You think I can’t stand seeing what happens in your world. You think I’ll break if I have to see the awful things that happen.”

“I think you’ll lose your innocence.” He almost reaches out to her, realizing belatedly that it would be counter-productive. “I love who you are now, Kaoru. I love your artwork. I don’t want to see it change.”

Kaoru stares up at him, a slight smile on her face. “Say that again.”

“Say what?” He glances at Tsubasa and Jabi for assistance. The White Knight shrugs; Jabi rolls her eyes, as though he’s missing something obvious.

“Say that you love me, Kouga.” Kaoru’s hands move to hug her own arms. “You’ve never said it before. Like that.”

“Ah.” Staring down at the floor, he tries to decide what he should do. This isn’t going quite the way he had planned for this conversation to go. Then again, he hadn’t ever planned on having this conversation, not after what happened.

“Oh, Kouga.” She reaches out, touches his arm just briefly. “I’m not going to change—not that much, anyway. If I’m innocent, it’s because I choose to be that way. The human world isn’t all that much more pleasant than yours. It’s the whole reason your world exists, isn’t it? That people can be awful to each other… that people can hate each other, and hurt each other, and turn love into something hideous and cruel. I’m an orphan as much as you are. I know what the world is like. If I ignore it, if I don’t accept it, it’s because I don’t want to. It’s because I know it can be better, that it can be beautiful, and that’s what I draw. That’s what I see. Do you understand that? Can you accept that?”

Yes, and no. He can understand it, in one way, because it’s how all Knights live. If you didn’t accept the Horrors at the heart of humanity, you couldn’t hunt them down; but if that was all you saw, all you believed in, then there was no point in doing your job.

But there’s a stark brutality to the duality of humanity in his world that there isn’t in the human one. There are ways to hide from the worst of reality available to normal humans that there aren’t for his kind.

There is no way to deny the red of a friend’s blood coating your sword, or to pretend it isn’t happening.

“You really know what you’re asking?” The question is too quiet, Kaoru’s expression showing she didn’t hear it clearly. “Do you really want to stay here, even knowing what it can be like? What I might have to do? What it might mean?”

“Yes.” She smiles at him, a tired, beautiful, sad expression. “What happened with Rei hurts, but it doesn’t change where I belong. He wouldn’t want it to.”

After a long moment he nods, holding his arms out to her.

She doesn’t hesitate before coming into them.

He holds her close, careful to be gentle, to not hurt her. She holds him tightly, in return, her head pressed against his chest.

He doesn’t know which of them starts crying first.

In the end, it doesn’t really matter.

***

“Well.” Jabi stretches as the door to Kouga’s house closes behind them, managing to bend in ways Tsubasa isn’t sure should be physically possible. “In the end, that turned out well.”

“If you say so.” Looking askance at the priestess, Tsubasa struggles not to let his frustration show. Not knowing what they had come here for made it difficult to determine exactly what had gone well and what hadn’t. Striding ahead of her, he pauses after a moment. “We are going home now, right?”

“Yes. I think so, at least.” A tiny silver wolf crawls out from under Jabi’s jacket and onto her shoulder. Reaching up to pat the wolf on the head, she smiles at it. “What do you think?”

In answer the wolf licks her face, tongue a darker shade of silver. Giving a brief, near-silent howl, the wolf leaps off her shoulder and dissolves into silver sparks.

“What was that?” Glaring at the priestess, Tsubasa watches the last of the silver sparks fade.

“Oh, don’t be like that. It was just an echo. An echo left by a very concerned friend.”

“I don’t think I quite understand.” Keeping his voice as neutral as he can, he frowns at the woman. He’s actually fairly certain he will never understand the priestess, though she has become a close friend due to her relationship with Rin.

“He came to Rin just after he died.” Jabi shrugs, as though this was the most ordinary thing in the world. “She has a talent for sensing souls.”

“I’ve told you before not to encourage her in anything that could be construed as necromancy. You’re going to get her in trouble.”

“And what would you prefer I do? Tell her to ignore them? She won’t, especially not if they’re people she’s attached to. She liked Rei. Would you prefer we left Suzumura as a trapped soul? Horror-bait?”

“I… of course not. You know that, Jabi.” Sighing, he rubs at the back of his head. “I just don’t want to see anything bad happen to my sister.”

“Some of the rules of the Makai world are made to be broken.” She stares at him, seems to see through him with her dark eyes. “Or at least need to be modified.”

“Perhaps.” This isn’t an argument he wants to get into with her again. Not now, not after spending the day with Kouga. “What do you mean by an echo?”

“His soul wouldn’t rest until he was certain that what he did wouldn’t hurt Kaoru and Kouga. We didn’t want to risk his soul being trapped or injured, especially given the shape it was already in, so I had him leave behind an echo. Just a small piece of himself, until he was satisfied Rin and I had done what he wanted.” She touches Tsubasa’s arm, gently. “It’s not true necromancy, Tsubasa. It was the best thing we could do for him. Hopefully now he’s resting until it’s time for his soul to be called forth again, whole and at peace.”

“All right. I trust you.” Shaking his head, Tsubasa offers a conciliatory smile to the priestess. “Everything’s all right now, though? He’s at peace? They’re going to be all right?”

“He’s at peace. As much as any dead Knight could be at peace, I suppose.” Turning back toward the mansion, Jabi’s smile fades. “And they’ll be all right. The sting of this isn’t going to fade quickly, or easily, but they’ll get through it together. Just like he knew they would.”

“Good.” Reaching out tentatively, he takes the priestess’s hand. “Then let’s go home, Jabi. I miss Rin.”

Jabi grips his hand in return, and together the two of them return to Kantai, to grieve with their own family the loss of a good man.


End file.
